I usually write a lot when I am filled with emotion and unable to express myself. To be honest the past several weeks writing has been my method of release. Lately, I have been questioning my relationship with God. I questioned him so much and told him how angry I was with him and some more stuff. I questioned if he loved me and if he did, why did I hurt so much. My questions were filled with fury. I didn’t want to hear anything about the sovereignty of God or that he holds me in the palm of his hand. You know, the things Christians say when we want to help a person get through. We give them all the feel-good stuff and honestly, we do it in sincerity but that is not what I wanted. The problem for me is that I knew these things to be true but my hope in those truths had become fragmented. I was at a crossroads, so much so that hearing certain things about God brought more anger than comfort. I stayed in this space for a while submitting question after question after question. I wanted him to give me an answer and in fact, I demanded it. I asked God, “Where are you? Why aren’t you helping me? Why am I here again? In fact, one of my conversations with God was that he would need to do open heart surgery because I would never allow myself to be vulnerable and open to anyone again! Yep, I was big mad and tired of feeling invincible and not heard. I basically gave God an ultimatum. “Like listen Sir, what we fittin to do here is fix this mess cuz I can’t.” Anyway, I told him that I needed him to fix my heart, heal the places that are broken, help me to see myself how he sees me and most of all to help me love myself the way he loves me.
Naturally, after the breakdown, I started talking to God again with a bit of a different heart posture. I was less angry and open to receiving where as before, I was too angry and hurt to digest anything. So, another series of questions rolled out of me, I cried and then I sat in silence. A few moments later I went to lay down and just like that a scripture popped up in my little head. I thought about what it was and how it was possibly going to help me. The scripture was familiar but not enough for me to quickly (remember all the words?). I grabbed my phone, went to the bible app and selected the book and chapter that God had led me to. I also want to make sure it is understood that my belief in God has been tainted lately I wasn’t so sure how to believe in God anymore so the level of questioning, I had for God is what led me here. By now you are wondering what was the scripture? The scripture was Psalms 46 and it reads as follows:
Psalm 46[a]
1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields[d] with fire. 10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Oh, the revelation and peace this brought to my shattered heart and mind. What I had questioned most was the existence of God in this world and why I should even believe in Him. I find that in my most distraught or low spaces is where I see him show up most.
Well God answered a lot of my questions in that moment and I anticipate there will be more when the time is right. While I have been uncertain, I know that God is within me and he will not let me fall despite me and my finite mind. I am allowing God to work on me in a way that I haven’t before. This time it’s not about chasing after him because of what someone says, or what was spoken over me, etc. This time, it is purely relational because God will always be who he is, and that never changes. I found so much comfort in this scripture and yes, dare I say it, truth. Once again, he has proven himself to be a friend in the nick of time to tell me “YES, I am real, yes I am here. I will fight for you and to be still, chill out, let go of your fears and anxiety!”
Friends, listen, this year has been pure HELL and some more stuff. I don’t know if a lot of people are in a place of questioning God, questioning their existence, or wondering whether their pain will end like I have. There are a lot of reasons why I got to this place and to name one, the state of our nation is enough to cause one to go crazy. But what happens when everything seems to go wrong all at once and you wind back up facing issues you thought were dealt with or simply recurring themes keep happening that reinforce your beliefs? That is the reality of a lot of folks and some may never verbalize it. I do want to offer some hope to those that have faced pain, unforeseen circumstances, things that are not of your own control and even things that are. Whether you believe in God or not, there is a power greater than all and I know that power to be Jesus the Son of God. That is my truth, and I will stick with it. I did question God in detail, but he continues to show up for me in ways that man will not. What I will say is that while circumstances may not change immediately, time eventually heals all wounds if you let it. I also know that we are not exempt from life’s difficulties whether you believe in God or not. Life, pain, and disappointment will happen. There are seasons of Joy, laughter, and the opposing. The thing is, we can get through difficult moments because we can do hard things. You are here for a reason whether you believe it or not. You are worthy, valued and loved even when you think you are not. What helps me is letting go of the pressure of not allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling and process whatever is happening around me. I now give myself permission to be me and not let my own or even the narratives of others hold me captive. It’s ok to question things and attempt to get an understanding for your own peace. Remember that you hold the power to who and what controls you. So, stand in and for your truth and always remember to wear your Crown.
~Daughter Wear Your Crown~
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